The Six Questions
Life Lessons in the Art of Continuous Renewal
You can purchase here: » Amazon.com «
Discounted this week from $16.99 to $9.99 to encourage my Substack friends to review.
I made a promise to Karen that I would market the book, so I’ve taken care of that.
One night, heading home from the hospital very late, a Russian doctor lady on the floor gave me stern advice:
“You have no idea how precious this time is.”
That stopped me in my tracks. But she was right. I had absolutely no idea. By the end of the week, they sent Karen home, and she died seven days later.
I had just started a Zoom class when two life-hardened EMTs struggled to lift Karen up the outdoor stairs. I let the Zoom run. My on-screen friend Penny was stunned:
“I can’t believe she was swimming across the lake a few months ago.”
Joseph, a retired doctor, physicist, and 86-year-old fire department volunteer in Rochester, NY, offered sober wisdom:
“Life comes at you like that. When you’re not paying attention, everything becomes very real.”
When Karen collapsed into my arms on an elevator nine years earlier, the words went through my mind:
“This is really happening…”
You can’t prepare for the shock points in life in any conventional sense. But you can adopt the way of the warrior. Carlos Castaneda explained how death is always to our left, an arm's length behind us. Death is the only wise adviser that a warrior has.
When the words went through my mind, “This is really happening,” I received a wake-up call to engage with reality. Suddenly, instead of rum cocktails in the cockpit of the sailboat, you are pitched about in an emotional storm — a precipitous sinking from everyday mental buoyancy called grief.
You can’t know in advance how you will navigate major life changes. Maybe, you’ll take solace from the Buddha, who advised that there is no birth or death. You will light candles, burn sage, and meditate.
A neighbor of mine retreated to solitude in the mountains after he lost his wife. I did the opposite; I felt a deep need to engage with reality as if I were wrestling a tiger.
In my despair, I formulated six questions. (I’m hosting a book launch party on July 7 where I will attempt to answer them, like “Stump the Band” with Johnny Carson.) Here’s my current thinking on those questions:
1. Is there an upside to aging, or does God enjoy watching our inevitable demise?
Joseph Campbell described aging to Bill Moyers:
“There goes the fender, there goes the tire, one thing after another... And then, gradually, the whole thing drops off, and consciousness rejoins consciousness.”
Jung said that the first half of our life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, and the second half is going inward and letting go of it.
The original Enneagram explained how there is an “upside” to the aging process. With each letting go, energy is released, and freedom increases. It’s meant to be an ongoing life-long process, but more realistically, our confrontation with reality comes in big, painful chunks.
2. With a sudden death, how do we know whether the universe made a mistake?
I had endless futile conversations with Bhagwan on this topic. In this conversation, I used the metaphor: ”Who’s driving the bus?”
Bruce: So, when you say that the entire universe is synchronous, is this the flow?
Bhagwan: Everything is of a certain order, but if you’re in the mind, you’re not in tune with the order. You’re not enjoying the state. But if you’re in the state of clarity, you can feel the synchronicity of everything. You can feel exactly in each moment that this is how it’s supposed to happen.
Bruce: What about when we’re creating trouble and grief and disharmony and making a mess of things — is this also synchronous?”
Bhagwan: Aren’t the planets and galaxies synchronous? If the whole universe is moving in a synchronous manner, why wouldn’t our Earth and the actions of the people in our little world also be synchronous? You don’t realize the synchronicity because you have the feeling that you can do.
Bruce: In my book, I tell a story from when I was a young man driving down a mountain in my VW bus, watching every action and decision, yet remaining unattached to all of it. The driving happened of its own accord. I attributed it to organic mescaline, but now it raises questions. If we can drive the bus without being identified, something in us must know what to do.
Bhagwan: This silence or this pure consciousness has intelligence. It is intelligent. It’s what gives the mind intelligence. It is the source of the intelligence of the mind. If the mind has the intelligence to drive a bus, this pure consciousness would have even more intelligence because it is the source of intelligence. Consciousness is intelligent.
Bruce: Is knowing where to go, what to do, when to do, not coming from the mind?
Bhagwan: Consciousness won’t know what to do, but consciousness functions through the mind without identification. Consciousness uses the mind and acts through the mind. The mind knows the maps and the routes and knows where to go. In consciousness, the mind is now a tool that can be used without identifying. Hitherto, you identified as the bus driver and thought you were driving the bus. In clarity, there is an awareness that drives the bus, that uses the mind to find the route, but there is no identification with the mind. You are using the mind.
Bruce: So, at that point, who is driving the bus?
Bhagwan: Who is driving the bus? The bus is just being driven. Who is moving the planets? Who is making the sun rise and set? There is a lot going on without you doing it — without the driver doing it. A lot within your body is going on. The circulation, the breathing, the digestion, cell repairs, growth, destruction in your body is going on. Who is doing it?
3. Is our purpose on earth to check off a bucket list or build a soul to pass into eternal life?
It’s a lot easier to check off items on a bucket list than build a soul. I set my mind to learn to sail with the ultimate goal of chartering a 45-foot Beneteau in the British Virgin Islands. Check!
If you ask AI, it explains building a soul from a bunch of YouTube videos: 1) Cultivate inner qualities, 2) Connect with a higher purpose, 3) Nourish the soul (a bunch of wellness stuff), 4) Practice spiritual disciplines (fasting, prayer, service, forgiveness).
As I watched Karen’s painful final month, it was clear that she was burning her childhood residue until she faced the final existential cliff to let go completely.
4. How can we use a traumatic loss as the springboard into a vibrant next chapter of life?
Every major shock in life releases tightly wound patterns of the past. Like an incoming breaker at the beach, the wave presents a window of opportunity to ride it before it passes through.
Space rockets work the same way. Instead of shooting straight into space, they circle the planet first to develop sufficient “escape velocity” to pull away from the Earth’s confining gravity.
The chaos and shock of a traumatic loss obliterates the patterns of the past and opens a window for an escape velocity to move forward in a new direction.
5. Do love relationships continue from the other side, or does death throw the final switch?
This is the woo-woo question. My first inkling came the day after Karen died. I was holding an umbrella over an auto parts guy as he attached sparking battery cables in the pouring rain. My phone rang. Should I pull it out of my pocket? I did. It was my friend Suzy.
“Suzy, what’s going on?”
“I talked to Shelly, the medical intuitive, today,” Suzy reported.
“Wow, I said. “It was just three weeks ago.”
“I told Shelly about Karen,” Suzy continued. “She remembered you and tuned in. Where Karen is… she used the word, like a Buddha.”
“A Buddha?”
“Yes. Shelly said that Karen is not going anywhere.”
“What does that mean?”
“So many people are just out of here when they’re done. Shelly said Karen isn’t going anywhere. Karen’s catching her breath. Everything went so fast, but she is really relieved. And she’s really, really happy.”
“Happy??”
My heart soared despite being sopping wet. I glanced toward the dark sky: “That’s my Karen!”
Exactly one year later, I invited people to my house to share their “Karen sightings” from the other side.
The stories were moving and evidence that Karen was up to something… some kind of love work, what we called Bondo.
After the event, everyone went into the kitchen for soup except for Dorothea, Karen’s boss. During the circle, Dorothea had shared a powerful dream of how Karen came to her. I sat down next to Dorothea.
“Tonight, I saw a new you,” Dorothea shared to me.
A wave of tears washed over me.
“It has been quite remarkable to observe your openness,” Dorothea continued. “The way you engage with people and share your heart. As I watched, I could clearly see Karen coming through you.”
In answer to the question, this is what a continuing love affair from the other side looks like.
6. And the key question: What does it take to move through grief and find love again?
There’s no good answer here. My friend Daphne observed my manic approach and advised:
I realize this attitude — waiting — is not creative,” Daphne added. Waiting takes the creative out of your hands. And it may seem boring with nothing to do but breathe. But dear man… I sense you need to give yourself an extended STOP exercise.”
Let’s be honest. In a similar situation, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.
What did I do? I was sitting in the car on a frigid New Year’s Eve and made a vow.
I vowed to say yes to every invitation, request, suggestion, and opportunity, regardless of my distance, distaste, or demeanor. I flipped off my mental breaker box – the circuit that measures, considers, and analyzes incoming opportunities. I vowed to test the flow of life, once and for all, to prove whether that stream is beneficent, intelligent, and purposeful.
This sounds beautiful and new-agey, but I had invited a force into my life that would confound my expectations of what love was supposed to look like.
I know what you’re thinking: “Key question: Did you get a girlfriend?”
Only in the sense of confounding my expectations.
When Castaneda said, “Death is behind us,” over our left shoulder, it serves as a reminder that we are on a karmic journey.
Reshad Feild once told me: “Until we face what we have to face, we can never be free.”
This attitude, that our life stories are exquisitely designed to challenge our expectations, increase our capacity, and burn up the dross, only makes sense when we see life as a karmic journey. Seeing shocks as “grist for the mill” invites a deep gratitude.
Ten years ago, Karen and I were in the ER when our friend Bridget pulled out a book that invited us to a deeper gratitude:
“All through your life, your soul takes care of you… Yet through all these times, your soul is alive and awakened, gathering, sheltering, and guiding your ways and days in the world. In effect, your soul is your secret shelter. “ ~ From Beauty: The Invisible Embrace, by John O’Donohue.
I started this Substack ten years later squeezed next to Karen in her too-small hospital bed.
I had the vague idea it would become a book, and here it is.
I remember typing away, not realizing that she was actively dying. My 30 months working on this book have been a lonely pursuit. But writing a book offers a distillation process where the gold is accrued from within.
Looking at the ROI from the outside, my six books have sold a total of six copies in six months (5 - Rumi, 1 - Fortune). These books represent 10 years of nonstop work, working in doctor’s waiting rooms, ice-cold parking garages, on airplanes, and during chemo sessions.
I would be fooling myself to not share my disappointment. One of the books is titled: “Harnessing the Hidden Engine of Continuous Renewal.” I always expected someone to ask, “So tell me about continuous renewal. Is that a real thing?”
I’m 74 years old and feel physically and mentally younger than I did 20 years ago. Yes, it’s a thing. I’m glad no one asked, because I really can’t explain it, even though it’s hinted at throughout the Uplift book. (Gurdjieff was on to something when he introduced the Enneagram symbol 100 years ago as this hidden engine.)
I feel discouraged about not becoming a well-read author (Karen never cracked open one of my books), but I will always lead a creative life.
Kurt Vonnegut expressed it best:
“Go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow…
Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut
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